God created me for this

The days after having a baby are quite amazing.  I mean, the nurturing that happens in the months after having a baby are indescribable.  You nurse, you feed, you comfort, you rock, you cuddle, you hold, you stare, you love.  You just do... it is how God created us moms.  I know not EVERY mother does that... some have some serious battles to fight after having children, but I believe that to be an exception... we were originally designed to do all of these things.  It is written on our DNA.  It is a part of God's perfect design for us.  Our hormones take over and there isn't a whole lot we can do about it.  So, that means it is still true of the mama who doesn't get to keep her baby too.  My body still ached to nurse, feed, comfort, rock, cuddle, hold, stare and love.  I needed it like I needed air.  I remember holding my sweet nephew at Jack's funeral who was only a couple of months old.  They almost had to pry him out of my arms.  I couldn't let go.  I didn't want to let go.  It's a hard feeling to describe, but it made waiting to have another baby devastating to me.  Another sign of things not being the way they were "supposed" to be.  Another sign of a fallen world.  Another need for hope.  For grace.  For a Savior.  Without my Savior I had no hope, no grace, no reason to press on.  I clung to my older son during those days.  Sweet boy... he let me hold him for as long as I needed to.  It seemed he knew I needed it as he isn't the cuddling type.  God gives us just what we need.

4/30/07 

Dr. Menard told me I should wait 6 months to physically heal before I conceive again. She suggested further that I wait an extra 3 months for some more emotional healing. I’m not sure I need that much time for emotional healing, but I was secretly devastated that she wanted me to wait 6 months. Doesn't she see that I need another baby.  I don't want a replacement... no one can replace Jack, but I need to see life happen.  I guess I didn’t realize how much I wanted another baby until I was told to wait. My body yearns to have another baby in my womb. God is in control.

Marriage and Suffering

I wanted to break up the next journal entry as it dealt with several issues.  The first one being my marriage during this time.  It definitely went through some ups and downs as every marriage will when put to the test.  Some days were better than others, but we tried really hard to remain aware of each other and of what we were each going through.  Daniel knew he could call me wherever I was and I would come home if he needed me... I could do the same.  So many marriages end in divorce when going through something so big.  I didn't want to become part of that statistic.  To be honest, at first I couldn't even understand that statistic.  I felt like this little boy and the experience of his death were such a big part of me that no one would understand me more than my husband.  I couldn't imagine going through this life with anyone who hadn't experienced this with me.  Then time went by.  And I realized something.  My grief was too heavy.  Daniel's grief was too heavy.  I couldn't carry mine and I certainly couldn't carry his.  I had to let Jesus carry mine.  Daniel had to let Jesus carry his.  If we tried to put our grief on each other we would crush each other.  Only Jesus can carry that weight.  Talk... yes.  Share... you must.  Cry together... certainly.  Call on each other... of course.  Carry the weight of your grief and burden... only Jesus.  Only He can stand it.    I love the promise in Psalm 68:19 "Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens."  To be honest, I don't know what that looks like all the time, but maybe some days it just starts with an honest conversation with God.  Telling him your heart just plain hurts.  Sitting in his lap and meditating on his promises.  Sometimes that's all we have.  Some days it will be enough and some days it won't feel like enough, but that's when your head has to convince your heart, because our hearts can't be trusted.  Jeremiah 17: 9 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

4/30/07 

The days are getting long. The dust has settled and I am still sad. Daniel is suffering too. Ever since my post partum appointment he has been short, inpatient. Very unlike my sweet husband. I hate to see him suffer. I read the other day that 70% of marriages end in divorce within 5 years fo the death of a child. That’s scary, but I can see why. I feel like Daniel and I have done so well up until now, but we are gradually moving apart. We both need to deal with whatever is going on inside before Satan gets a stronghold in our lives and in our marriage. I don’t fear divorce, but Satan would be just as happy to see us overcome with bitterness and separation.

 Lord, help me be the wife you have called me to be.  Heal our hearts, O Lord.  Draw us to yourself.  Let us not lean on our own understanding, but on you alone.

Anger?

James 1: 19-21 "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you."

I remember muddling through so many things in those few months after losing Jack.  I remember trying to just hold it together.  Sometimes I couldn't think well enough to prepare lunch, but there were some things I held onto with an iron fist.  Things like anger... or I guess more accurately, not having anger.  I didn't want to go there.  I didn't want anger to take a hold of my heart and grow bitterness.  It was important to me... a mission, if you will.  I felt like one way to handle my bitterness was to seek out other women who had gotten through a similar situation and to not be around women (for that time) who were currently going through the same thing... otherwise known as "support groups."  Now, let me say this... I was connected with a women who was mentoring/counseling me through this time.  We met weekly and it was VERY beneficial.  She had been through a similar situation 20 years prior and it was SO good for me.  She helped me work through a lot, so I'm not anti-support or anti-counseling, just FOR ME, it needed to look different than a support group.

4/27/07 

Many people have suggested that I go to a support group with other grieving people; people who have lost their children. I am sure this is helpful for some people. I wish it could be for me too. The thought of going to spend time in a room full of people who are suffering like me makes me… paralyzed with fear. A part of me really doesn’t want the burden of what others are going through on me right now. I don’t want to hear about other’s guilt, anger, and fear. There are some stages that people go through that I would just rather skip. Like anger, I just want to skip the anger stage. I don’t have anger now and I don’t want to go to a group where others might be going through anger and I get ideas into my head and say, “oh, I didn’t think of that, now I’m angry too.” Right now I’m praying that God would protect me from the angry part. When I’m angry, I sin. Maybe others can be angry and not sin, but not me. I become irritable, irrational, short- tempered, and so forth. So, I really don’t want to go there. I know it is a normal part of grieving and I recommend people go through that if that is what they are feeling. God can handle our anger, but so far God has guarded my heart from that… and I think that is okay. 

I also realized yesterday that I am afraid to be alone with my husband. His grief scares me. It is like the whole support group thing. I just don’t feel strong enough for him to dump his grief onto me and I feel he can’t handle the same from me. So we can grow apart because of this, but that is unacceptable to me also. We need to stay connected more now than ever. Jake suggested that we go somewhere to have fun. To build some fun memories together. I think this is wise. We need to have some time together and just have fun. We don’t have to wallow in our grief together when we are alone. 

I think I want to be apart of a group that has come out on the other side. Some women who can tell me how they survived this. How they were able to do life again and maybe even go on to have other children. Women like Mary Hicks. That’s what I need. Older (as in been going through this longer), wiser women who can counsel me.   

Father, I pray you would grant that to me now and that one day you would allow me to be that for another. 

Titus 2: 4,5 

“Then they (older women) can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.” 

Did I pray hard enough?

2 Tim 3:16-17 "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

I am not a bible scholar nor do I play one on T.V.  I'm a simple girl trying to work through some HARD stuff.  I don't pretend to know all the answers (well... okay, maybe I do sometimes).  All I know is that the word is all I need to understand who God is.  He has written down all I need to know about life in Him, so it is there that I turn when trying to work through all this "stuff."  It is there where He will reveal himself to me.  So, that's where I turned when trying to find out another "what if."

4/23/07

So what does that mean if God can change His mind with our earnest prayer? What does that mean about Jack? Does it mean that had I or Daniel or even someone else prayed harder, we could have saved Jack?

Well, first I have to look at God’s character…. God is good, just, loving, and merciful, He does not hold our sins against us anymore when we live covered by the blood of Christ. So, would God use my lack of prayer against my precious Jack or me?

I also have to look back at the times God changed His mind in the past. In Exodus He changed His mind in the severity of His punishment on His people because of Moses’ prayer and to fulfill His promises to His people. God will always keep His promises and He does not promise me that He will not take any of my children or that I will not suffer… quite the contrary. 

(Numbers 14: 11-23; 2 Chronicles 29: 3-10, 36; Jonah 3: 1-10)

So, God’s mind changes as a response to changed conditions? God will never answer a prayer with yes that is outside of His will. So, our prayers must conform to His will and must be within the character of God.

So, what does Jack’s death say about the character of God? Romans 8: 28

How can Jack’s death benefit me? Well, it isn’t just about me. Remember Isaiah 57: 1,2 God saved JACK from “evil days ahead.” As his mother should I not rejoice in that? I mourn because I loved Jack and I miss Jack- this is okay. Even Jesus mourns. John 11:35 He wept for their loss. AND Jack’s death HAS benefited me… I have grown in my spiritual walk, my prayer and my understanding of prayer, I have seen others point their eyes to the cross, and I know there are many more blessings to come. But, I still weep for my baby and that is okay.

So, I am convinced that the death of my son was within the perfect will of God and therefore I could not have changed that.   Further more what does it say about what is MOST important to me if I would ask God or expect God to act outside of His perfect will? Is what glorifies God most the most important thing to me?  That is a hard question for a woman mourning the death of her son... very hard.

My Simple Prayer

Some days all I could offer God was a simple prayer.  Some days I saw my state and knew I had nothing else to offer.  I knew I wasn't giving God all of me.  I knew I was not dealing in grace and love and compassion.  I knew that all I could do was take it to the Father, let Him cleanse me and do better tomorrow.  In all of this, I don't want anyone to see a woman who each and every day found victory.  Who each and every day graciously turned my eyes to His Word and was healed.  Some days I couldn't. Some days I wanted to just sit in the pain.  I found comfort in my pain.  I know that sounds strange, but maybe it doesn't.  I think we all have those days where we think it would just be easier to stay this way.  To be forever sad.  To be forever alone.  To be forever attached to the pain.  If the pain left, what would I have left of my sweet boy?  If the pain was gone, would I start to forget?  In those days all I knew how to do was to offer up repentance and thanksgiving to God.  That may sound counterintuitive, but when all I want to see is pain, it's sometimes good to give thanks.  Force myself to see all God had done... was doing.  It's a simple prayer.  It was all I had that day.  But sometimes that's enough.  I think God was blessed by the simple prayer of a hurting mother.  Give Him what you have.  He requires nothing less... nothing more.  It reminds me of the call of Jesus in John 7:37 "On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink."  Come. Just come.  That's what He asks.  

4/20/07 

Lord please forgive me for not always turning to you. For not having patience and grace for my husband and my son. For not always dealing in compassion with others. For doubting your sovereign plan for my life. For feeling like I deserve more. 

Thank you for your everlasting grace and joy. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for taking care of Jack and for lending him to me for 33 weeks. Thank you for Daniel and Luke.