Casting Silence: June 2011

30 June 2011

Did I pray hard enough?

2 Tim 3:16-17 "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

I am not a bible scholar nor do I play one on T.V. I'm a simple girl trying to work through some HARD stuff. I don't pretend to know all the answers (well... okay, maybe I do sometimes). All I know is that the word is all I need to understand who God is. He has written down all I need to know about life in Him, so it is there that I turn when trying to work through all this "stuff." It is there where He will reveal himself to me. So, that's where I turned when trying to find out another "what if."

4/23/07

So what does that mean if God can change His mind with our earnest prayer? What does that mean about Jack? Does it mean that had I or Daniel or even someone else prayed harder, we could have saved Jack?

Well, first I have to look at God’s character…. God is good, just, loving, and merciful, He does not hold our sins against us anymore when we live covered by the blood of Christ. So, would God use my lack of prayer against my precious Jack or me?

I also have to look back at the times God changed His mind in the past. In Exodus He changed His mind in the severity of His punishment on His people because of Moses’ prayer and to fulfill His promises to His people. God will always keep His promises and He does not promise me that He will not take any of my children or that I will not suffer… quite the contrary.

(Numbers 14: 11-23; 2 Chronicles 29: 3-10, 36; Jonah 3: 1-10)

So, God’s mind changes as a response to changed conditions? God will never answer a prayer with yes that is outside of His will. So, our prayers must conform to His will and must be within the character of God.

So, what does Jack’s death say about the character of God? Romans 8: 28

How can Jack’s death benefit me? Well, it isn’t just about me. Remember Isaiah 57: 1,2 God saved JACK from “evil days ahead.” As his mother should I not rejoice in that? I mourn because I loved Jack and I miss Jack- this is okay. Even Jesus mourns. John 11:35 He wept for their loss. AND Jack’s death HAS benefited me… I have grown in my spiritual walk, my prayer and my understanding of prayer, I have seen others point their eyes to the cross, and I know there are many more blessings to come. But, I still weep for my baby and that is okay.

So, I am convinced that the death of my son was within the perfect will of God and therefore I could not have changed that. Further more what does it say about what is MOST important to me if I would ask God or expect God to act outside of His perfect will? Is what glorifies God most the most important thing to me? That is a hard question for a woman mourning the death of her son... very hard.

27 June 2011

My Simple Prayer

Some days all I could offer God was a simple prayer. Some days I saw my state and knew I had nothing else to offer. I knew I wasn't giving God all of me. I knew I was not dealing in grace and love and compassion. I knew that all I could do was take it to the Father, let Him cleanse me and do better tomorrow. In all of this, I don't want anyone to see a woman who each and every day found victory. Who each and every day graciously turned my eyes to His Word and was healed. Some days I couldn't. Some days I wanted to just sit in the pain. I found comfort in my pain. I know that sounds strange, but maybe it doesn't. I think we all have those days where we think it would just be easier to stay this way. To be forever sad. To be forever alone. To be forever attached to the pain. If the pain left, what would I have left of my sweet boy? If the pain was gone, would I start to forget? In those days all I knew how to do was to offer up repentance and thanksgiving to God. That may sound counterintuitive, but when all I want to see is pain, it's sometimes good to give thanks. Force myself to see all God had done... was doing. It's a simple prayer. It was all I had that day. But sometimes that's enough. I think God was blessed by the simple prayer of a hurting mother. Give Him what you have. He requires nothing less... nothing more. It reminds me of the call of Jesus in John 7:37 "On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink." Come. Just come. That's what He asks.

4/20/07

Lord please forgive me for not always turning to you. For not having patience and grace for my husband and my son. For not always dealing in compassion with others. For doubting your sovereign plan for my life. For feeling like I deserve more.

Thank you for your everlasting grace and joy. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for taking care of Jack and for lending him to me for 33 weeks. Thank you for Daniel and Luke.

20 June 2011

The "What Ifs"

I think it is natural for us to think about the what ifs when something tragic happens. What if we had prayed more, what if we had done more, what if we had believed more. I still struggle with those questions sometimes. I think that when I do struggle with those questions, my eyes are turned away from God and turned towards myself. I start thinking I know best. I start thinking my plan is better. I starting thinking about me... and just me... my world... my future... my comfort. But what about God's plan? I had a women in my own church tell me that all I needed to do was pray hard enough and surround myself with people who believed my child would be okay and he would. I know she meant to bless me with her words, but honestly, those words haunt me sometimes. But what does His word tell us? That is where we will find our comfort, our hope, our understanding. Will you turn there when you struggle with the "what ifs"?

4/19/07

So, lately, Daniel has been thinking (and me too, to tell you the truth) that maybe there had been something we could have done to save our little boy. Maybe if we had been more aggressive in our care for Jack, he would have survived. But could this be true? I mean, maybe he would have died sooner? But then what about…

Ephesians 2: 10 “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

If He prepared in advance our good works then Jack couldn’t have died before he had done all the good works God prepared for him.

Also, what about …

Acts 17: 26 “From one man he made every nation of me, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.”

So, this has to be true for Jack too, right? I mean God determined where and when and for how long he would live. God determined when he would live and die and we could not change or thwart His plan.

Isaiah 57: 1,2 (TLB) “The good men perish; the godly die before their time…. No one seems to realize that God is taking them away from evil days ahead. For the godly who die shall rest in peace.”

Psalm 116: 15 “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.”

Psalm 139: 16 “… your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

I love Job's (a man all too familiar with suffering) response in Job 42: 1-3 "Then Job replied to the LORD:"I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know."

06 June 2011

Define Rescue

I often prayed for rescue before my son died. I didn't want the pain, the trial, the road set before me. I wanted to be rescued. And by rescued, I meant I wanted God to save my child. To let me raise my son. I knew God could still give me my son if He really wanted to...even after the heart monitors were turned off. I asked Him to because I knew He could. But, when my son did die and didn't come back, did that mean God answered no? Or could it mean that God still did rescue me... that God was still rescuing me... that His sort of rescue for me in this situation looked different than I could have anticipated?

4/17/07

James 1: 2,3 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

I often in these last few months have asked God to rescue me. To rescue me out of my situation. God’s answer has been to rescue me with his grace and empowerment to get through my situation and to lead me right where I am. I will not be lead out, but through so that I might develop perseverance. I lack less now at this moment than I did last year, month, week, and even moments ago.

John 15:5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; APART FROM ME YOU CAN DO NOTHING.” (emphasis mine)

2 Corinthians 12: 8-10 “Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made PERFECT in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may REST on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”(emphasis mine)

I take delight, not for me or for what I am going through, but for Christ – that is when His power is made perfect. I thank Him for what He is doing for His glory.

2Peter 2: 9a “…if this is so, then the Lord knows how to RESCUE godly men from trials.”

God does no abandon me when, in His sovereign wisdom and grace, He decides to leave me in a situation. Sometimes I may feel alone and in despair, but I only need to look to His Word to hear, know, and truly SEE His truth.

--forgive me for not always living in the empowerment of your grace. Lord, help me give glory and thanks for your sake through Jack’s death.

Pages