Marriage and Suffering

I wanted to break up the next journal entry as it dealt with several issues.  The first one being my marriage during this time.  It definitely went through some ups and downs as every marriage will when put to the test.  Some days were better than others, but we tried really hard to remain aware of each other and of what we were each going through.  Daniel knew he could call me wherever I was and I would come home if he needed me... I could do the same.  So many marriages end in divorce when going through something so big.  I didn't want to become part of that statistic.  To be honest, at first I couldn't even understand that statistic.  I felt like this little boy and the experience of his death were such a big part of me that no one would understand me more than my husband.  I couldn't imagine going through this life with anyone who hadn't experienced this with me.  Then time went by.  And I realized something.  My grief was too heavy.  Daniel's grief was too heavy.  I couldn't carry mine and I certainly couldn't carry his.  I had to let Jesus carry mine.  Daniel had to let Jesus carry his.  If we tried to put our grief on each other we would crush each other.  Only Jesus can carry that weight.  Talk... yes.  Share... you must.  Cry together... certainly.  Call on each other... of course.  Carry the weight of your grief and burden... only Jesus.  Only He can stand it.    I love the promise in Psalm 68:19 "Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens."  To be honest, I don't know what that looks like all the time, but maybe some days it just starts with an honest conversation with God.  Telling him your heart just plain hurts.  Sitting in his lap and meditating on his promises.  Sometimes that's all we have.  Some days it will be enough and some days it won't feel like enough, but that's when your head has to convince your heart, because our hearts can't be trusted.  Jeremiah 17: 9 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

4/30/07 

The days are getting long. The dust has settled and I am still sad. Daniel is suffering too. Ever since my post partum appointment he has been short, inpatient. Very unlike my sweet husband. I hate to see him suffer. I read the other day that 70% of marriages end in divorce within 5 years fo the death of a child. That’s scary, but I can see why. I feel like Daniel and I have done so well up until now, but we are gradually moving apart. We both need to deal with whatever is going on inside before Satan gets a stronghold in our lives and in our marriage. I don’t fear divorce, but Satan would be just as happy to see us overcome with bitterness and separation.

 Lord, help me be the wife you have called me to be.  Heal our hearts, O Lord.  Draw us to yourself.  Let us not lean on our own understanding, but on you alone.