Anger?

James 1: 19-21 "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you."

I remember muddling through so many things in those few months after losing Jack.  I remember trying to just hold it together.  Sometimes I couldn't think well enough to prepare lunch, but there were some things I held onto with an iron fist.  Things like anger... or I guess more accurately, not having anger.  I didn't want to go there.  I didn't want anger to take a hold of my heart and grow bitterness.  It was important to me... a mission, if you will.  I felt like one way to handle my bitterness was to seek out other women who had gotten through a similar situation and to not be around women (for that time) who were currently going through the same thing... otherwise known as "support groups."  Now, let me say this... I was connected with a women who was mentoring/counseling me through this time.  We met weekly and it was VERY beneficial.  She had been through a similar situation 20 years prior and it was SO good for me.  She helped me work through a lot, so I'm not anti-support or anti-counseling, just FOR ME, it needed to look different than a support group.

4/27/07 

Many people have suggested that I go to a support group with other grieving people; people who have lost their children. I am sure this is helpful for some people. I wish it could be for me too. The thought of going to spend time in a room full of people who are suffering like me makes me… paralyzed with fear. A part of me really doesn’t want the burden of what others are going through on me right now. I don’t want to hear about other’s guilt, anger, and fear. There are some stages that people go through that I would just rather skip. Like anger, I just want to skip the anger stage. I don’t have anger now and I don’t want to go to a group where others might be going through anger and I get ideas into my head and say, “oh, I didn’t think of that, now I’m angry too.” Right now I’m praying that God would protect me from the angry part. When I’m angry, I sin. Maybe others can be angry and not sin, but not me. I become irritable, irrational, short- tempered, and so forth. So, I really don’t want to go there. I know it is a normal part of grieving and I recommend people go through that if that is what they are feeling. God can handle our anger, but so far God has guarded my heart from that… and I think that is okay. 

I also realized yesterday that I am afraid to be alone with my husband. His grief scares me. It is like the whole support group thing. I just don’t feel strong enough for him to dump his grief onto me and I feel he can’t handle the same from me. So we can grow apart because of this, but that is unacceptable to me also. We need to stay connected more now than ever. Jake suggested that we go somewhere to have fun. To build some fun memories together. I think this is wise. We need to have some time together and just have fun. We don’t have to wallow in our grief together when we are alone. 

I think I want to be apart of a group that has come out on the other side. Some women who can tell me how they survived this. How they were able to do life again and maybe even go on to have other children. Women like Mary Hicks. That’s what I need. Older (as in been going through this longer), wiser women who can counsel me.   

Father, I pray you would grant that to me now and that one day you would allow me to be that for another. 

Titus 2: 4,5 

“Then they (older women) can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.”