God created me for this

The days after having a baby are quite amazing.  I mean, the nurturing that happens in the months after having a baby are indescribable.  You nurse, you feed, you comfort, you rock, you cuddle, you hold, you stare, you love.  You just do... it is how God created us moms.  I know not EVERY mother does that... some have some serious battles to fight after having children, but I believe that to be an exception... we were originally designed to do all of these things.  It is written on our DNA.  It is a part of God's perfect design for us.  Our hormones take over and there isn't a whole lot we can do about it.  So, that means it is still true of the mama who doesn't get to keep her baby too.  My body still ached to nurse, feed, comfort, rock, cuddle, hold, stare and love.  I needed it like I needed air.  I remember holding my sweet nephew at Jack's funeral who was only a couple of months old.  They almost had to pry him out of my arms.  I couldn't let go.  I didn't want to let go.  It's a hard feeling to describe, but it made waiting to have another baby devastating to me.  Another sign of things not being the way they were "supposed" to be.  Another sign of a fallen world.  Another need for hope.  For grace.  For a Savior.  Without my Savior I had no hope, no grace, no reason to press on.  I clung to my older son during those days.  Sweet boy... he let me hold him for as long as I needed to.  It seemed he knew I needed it as he isn't the cuddling type.  God gives us just what we need.

4/30/07 

Dr. Menard told me I should wait 6 months to physically heal before I conceive again. She suggested further that I wait an extra 3 months for some more emotional healing. I’m not sure I need that much time for emotional healing, but I was secretly devastated that she wanted me to wait 6 months. Doesn't she see that I need another baby.  I don't want a replacement... no one can replace Jack, but I need to see life happen.  I guess I didn’t realize how much I wanted another baby until I was told to wait. My body yearns to have another baby in my womb. God is in control.