By His Wounds

Isaiah 53:5 "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed."

Moving into the second month as a "mother who has lost a child," I began to think about life still moving.  Not moving on... but moving none the less.  But, I also realized that my potential for suffering was not over.  I had not checked some preverbal  box that would keep me from suffering ever again.  Not only would it not keep me from future suffering, but it wouldn't even keep me from this type of suffering.  I hadn't check the "lost a child" box only to not have it happen again.  That is scary.  That is heart stopping, heart wrenching, soul searching kind of scary.  So, what do we do with that?  What do we do in the middle of suffering knowing that it may not end here?  We rely on God.  We acknowledge our dependency on Him.  I was never closer to God than in the middle of my worst pain.  I clung to Him in ways I never had before.  I never knew how dependent on Him I really was until that little boy let out his last breath.  Oh, I needed a Savior as much before this as I did in the middle of this, but I didn't see it in the same way.  What a sweet gift.  What a sweet gift the Savior of the world would give to me.  A closeness and a dependency on Him that I had never had before.  Suffering gives us an opportunity to fully acknowledge our need for Him.  That is a sweet thing, my friends, for He is a good God.  He is the only God that can work it all for our good and His glory.  He is the giver of life... the giver of our future. He is a compassionate God that wants to heal your wounds.  We live in a fallen world, my friends, and until that day where we will meet our God in heaven, we will suffer... thanks be to Him, my rock and my healer.

5/8/07

Yesterday I met with Maria from Steven’s Ministry. It was great to be with someone who not only understood what I was going through, but who had also come out on the other side and has had other children. She lost her first son 20 years ago. She adopted one child and then birthed one 3 years after that…. 5 years after losing her baby. She had 10 miscarriages in between babies. I can’t imagine! It scares me that Jack may not be the only child I lose. But, I must stay here in the moment and not get discouraged about what might happen in the future. I think Satan loves to keep us in the past or in the future and away from the present and/or eternity. I must finish morning Jack and dealing with his loss.