His Word Lives

 It is an interesting path I am on.  Looking back over all my journal entries after losing my son and now trying to make sense of them.  Trying to think back to that time and all the emotions and thoughts and questions.  Sometimes I will read an entry and sort of be reminded of the Psalms.  Not that I am at ALL comparing my writing to the Psalms, but many of the Psalms seem to start with the author lamenting about their trials... about life and then as you read on, the author comes to the conclusion that still they will praise.  There is something about being in the Word that keeps me praising God.  In all of it.  In the loneliness of it... in the pain of it... the Word lives.  The Word keeps my eyes on Jesus.  It's a great reminder even all these years later.  When I find myself not turning to His Word on a daily basis, I lose focus.  I lose perspective.  

During this time I was struggling deeply with finding joy.  With finding blessing in the blessings.  Everything looked like a potential to suffer even more.  But, one thing held true then and will continue to hold true for eternity and through all the sufferings I'm still being challenged with in this life... God is still God.  God is who He says He is.  His promises are still true for those who trust in Him.  He sees the whole picture and guess what... He wins.  We win.  We will rejoice for all eternity.  That alone will keep me praising Him even when it all just hurts so bad... and it does hurt.  We shouldn't be surprised or dismayed by that.  Remember even Jesus hurt deeply (Matthew 26:38 “Then he said to them, 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death'")... why would it be any different for you?  Or for me?  It doesn't make you weak.  It makes you human.  It makes you alive.  

6/21/07 

So, I’ve been feeling pretty hopeless these days. Not finding joy in my blessings. I mean, what good is a great home without children to fill it? And I love my son so much. My husband too… but something could happen to them today. Another way for God to bring suffering to me. I mean he promises us suffering upon suffering until we go home. So where is the joy? I know God says who am I to question him, but where can I find joy in my blessings if they will follow with suffering? 

John 16: 20, 22 

“I tell you the truth, you will weep and morn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy” 

“So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you gain and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” 

Habakkuk 3: 18 

“Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.” 

God is God and He knows what he is doing…. I can’t possibly know the reasons for all of this, but I can have hope in knowing God is who he says he is and he is in control in a world that looks so confusing to me. 

Psalm 13: 5 

“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.” 

Psalm 51: 12 

“Restore to me the joy of my salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”