Slow and Steady

Psalm 55:22 "Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."

The first few ultrasounds after the first one, were fairly "uneventful."  We were learning new terms like pleural effusion, hydrops, thoracentecis, and diaphramatic hernias.  I know more about a baby's development than I ever thought I would want or need to know.  It is truly a miracle of God that any of us are born whole and healthy.  I learned a lot about who God is and how much He pays attention to even the tinniest details like finger nails and eye lashes and the big details like lung capacity and diaphragm function.  We are truly amazing creatures.  I hope you know that, my friends.  You are truly fearfully and wonderfully made.  God adores even the hairs on your head.  Praise God for the masterpieces He makes everyday.

At this point in my pregnancy, I truly believed everything would turn out just fine.  I really, honestly thought that God would surely heal my baby.  I couldn't imagine that this was the road God was going to ask me to walk.  I wouldn't be a statistic and neither would my precious baby.  We would be okay... or would we... there might have been a gentle thought in the back of my head that I could be wrong... but really?  We were warned that most of the medical world would have taken more drastic measures sooner, but we prayed and talked and prayed some more and we decided to wait on the drastic measures and see what God would do.  I doubted my choices later and we will surely get to those doubts further down this journey we are taking together.  God was just getting started with me.  My prayer life became something new during these days.  You see, we can choose to turn to God or turn from God during times of crisis.  We can't choose what will happen, but we can choose who we will turn to when it does.  Will I turn to myself who has no control, or will I choose to turn to the only one who can heal me... from the inside out?  We will talk about what healing looks like too... we need a paradigm shift there, my friends.  I am certain of that.

Here are excerpts from updates 2 and 3.  I was rounding 23 weeks during this time.

Update Number Two and Three

Carrie and I went back for another ultrasound today. Thank you for all your support and prayers over the past couple weeks. The results from today's ultrasound showed that the amount of fluid in the baby's chest is about the same as it was last week. There is no visible change in volume, though we were hoping and praying for a decrease in fluid. However we were happy to hear that it did not increase, because that meant that we did not have to do the thoracentecis to drain the fluid. The baby still is at risk from the pleural effusion (which is unilateral), but his chances of survival are much greater than if it were bilateral or if he started to develop hydrops (fluid in multiple cavities of the body).

The doctor told us that, while there is no research for our specific situation, studies on fetal diaphramatic hernias where the intestines are pushed into the chest cavity say that when an intestine to lung size ratio (fluid to lung size ratio in our case) of 1.4 or greater is present, there is minimal risk to the development of the lung. Based on measurements taken this morning, our baby's fluid to lung size ratio is 2.04.

We are also told that there is no sign of Hydrops (praise God!). We will have weekly ultrasounds from now on to watch out for this. Starting two weeks from now, we will be seen at the Chapel Hill UNC Women's Health Center, because if a thoracentesis is performed and the baby does not respond well, his chance of survival is greater with the level of care provided there.

The Call

Ecclesiastes 11:5 "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things."

You know how there are some things that happen in life and you will never forget where you were or what you were doing when you found out? Like when 911 happened, I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news. I'll never forget. Well, this was one of those moments. The phone call I got after my first ultrasound at 18 weeks. The nurse informed me that an abnormality was found... fluid on the heart and I needed to come in for another ultrasound as soon as possible. It was a Friday and I was leaving for Florida for a family vacation for 10 days... could it wait? They said it could and I was free to go. I figured that meant it wasn't so bad... I mean, fluid on the heart seemed like a physical problem they could fix. I refused to look it up online or ask anyone about what it could be for those 10 days (anyone who knows me, is not surprised!). It turned out to be fluid on the lung and not the heart, but it wasn't until I was sitting in the genetic counselors office talking about trisomys and amniocentesis and termination of pregnancy and all sorts of major complications did I even realize that this was more than a simple physical problem. I didn't even understand what I was doing in a genetic counselor's office at all... I mean who was this lady and why did she want me to talk about "termination of pregnancy?" Really? Nothing made sense to me. I was blind sided to tell the truth. This sounded really serious all of a sudden. So, when I don't know what is happening, I always go back to what I do know. God is good. God loves me. God is in control. God knows and loves this baby. God has a plan and it is better than mine.

Here is part of our first update.

Our baby boy (100% positive on that now) has a pleural effusion in the left side of his chest which is pressing against his left lung and pushing it and the heart to the right. The fluid buildup is not allowing the lung to develop normally, but praise God there is nothing wrong with his heart. There is also a slight buildup of fluid at the nape of his neck, which is a marker for Downs Syndrome. There is a very slight chance that the cause is a chromosomal abnormality other than Downs (trisomy 13 and trisomy 18 are the ones we discussed); they are highly lethal, and the baby would likely not survive long if that were the case. We spoke with a genetic counselor who said that the likelihood of a trisomy 21 chromosomal abnormality (Downs) being the cause of the effusion is between 2 and 5%. The other possible known cause is an infection. We were given the option of performing an amniocentesis, but there is a 0.5% risk of miscarriage with the procedure, and it can be done at any point during the pregnancy, so we declined. If the fluid in his chest does not decrease by next week, the doctor will go in and drain the fluid, and that fluid will be used to check for chromosomal abnormalities and infections. If the fluid does not replenish itself (which is preferable), the lung will be able to develop normally, otherwise they may need to put in a shunt. Whether or not a cause for the effusion is found, we will need to monitor our son throughout the pregnancy, and if there is no cause found, the doctor is confident that the situation will resolve itself after he is born.

Please pray for our baby and his mother as we all go through this together.

The biggest decision we had to make that day was the amniocentesis.  You see, if I had done it that day as they suggested,  I would get the results before 21 weeks... leaving "termination of pregnancy" as an option.  They didn't "advise" a "termination of pregnancy," but they wanted us to have "options."  Didn't they know who my Lord was?  Wasn't God still on His throne?  He was not surprised at my circumstances and He had not made a mistake in giving us this child (Colossians 1: 16-17or in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him.  He is before all things, and in him all things hold together). God was going to have to take this child if that is what was in His plan... I wasn't giving up!

Welcome

Romans 8:38 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither heights nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I can not begin to tell you how excited I am to begin this journey with you here. I have been praying for you and will commit to continue to pray for you as we walk through some hard times together. I want you to know and believe in the depths of your heart that you are so loved by the one true God, and no matter what happens, that will not change because He has not changed. I have walked through some fire, my friends, and yet I know that I am loved and I am not alone... not ever... even when I think that is exactly what I want. I have started this blog to share with you how I have come to know that truth. You see, I found myself at a crossroads 4 years ago today - a place where I had to decide if I really, truly, in my heart of hearts believed that God is who he says he is, because he says he is good, holy, righteous, all-knowing, all-powerful, and in total control, and I had just had to watch my son's heartbeat dwindle down to zero. I had to watch as nurses unplugged my son's body from the so-called "life saving" machines and give his lifeless body to me. My spirit and my soul felt empty and afraid... grieved, confused, my body longing to nurse my son, to provide sustenance to my baby. Yet he grew cold fast, he was gone, and I would never be the same again.

So, here I am... changed. And yet, still changing. Isn't God so amazing that He would not see fit to leave us alone and unchanged? He wants us to draw into a deeper and deeper relationship with Him... so He pursues us and nudges us and sometimes just plain ole kicks us into change. For His glory and, my friends, for YOUR GOOD! It's a promise that we can take a hold of and know it is true.

So, here's the deal: when I was pregnant, my amazing and totally gorgeous husband wrote a blog to update our friends and family with any new news from our numerous doctors appointments. I am going to re-share those with you here with some input from me on where I was and what was going on in my brain and heart. Then, because the Lord was so kind to me, He gave me a desire to journal (total act of God) the things He showed me through His word starting about 4 weeks after I had lost Jack Michael. I am going to share that with you too. I pray He will speak through me to the very core of your heart and that you will find comfort and love that comes only from Him. So, here is where we will cast off the silence that comes with the loss of a child. We are going to talk about what we feel we can't talk about to anyone. This is an open door for you to share and to grieve and to rejoice. Maybe you haven't lost a child, but I am betting that you have suffered in some way. I pray you find comfort here too.

So, please, come with me down this very intimate and deep journey... feel free to invite others!