By His Wounds

Isaiah 53:5 "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed."

Moving into the second month as a "mother who has lost a child," I began to think about life still moving.  Not moving on... but moving none the less.  But, I also realized that my potential for suffering was not over.  I had not checked some preverbal  box that would keep me from suffering ever again.  Not only would it not keep me from future suffering, but it wouldn't even keep me from this type of suffering.  I hadn't check the "lost a child" box only to not have it happen again.  That is scary.  That is heart stopping, heart wrenching, soul searching kind of scary.  So, what do we do with that?  What do we do in the middle of suffering knowing that it may not end here?  We rely on God.  We acknowledge our dependency on Him.  I was never closer to God than in the middle of my worst pain.  I clung to Him in ways I never had before.  I never knew how dependent on Him I really was until that little boy let out his last breath.  Oh, I needed a Savior as much before this as I did in the middle of this, but I didn't see it in the same way.  What a sweet gift.  What a sweet gift the Savior of the world would give to me.  A closeness and a dependency on Him that I had never had before.  Suffering gives us an opportunity to fully acknowledge our need for Him.  That is a sweet thing, my friends, for He is a good God.  He is the only God that can work it all for our good and His glory.  He is the giver of life... the giver of our future. He is a compassionate God that wants to heal your wounds.  We live in a fallen world, my friends, and until that day where we will meet our God in heaven, we will suffer... thanks be to Him, my rock and my healer.

5/8/07

Yesterday I met with Maria from Steven’s Ministry. It was great to be with someone who not only understood what I was going through, but who had also come out on the other side and has had other children. She lost her first son 20 years ago. She adopted one child and then birthed one 3 years after that…. 5 years after losing her baby. She had 10 miscarriages in between babies. I can’t imagine! It scares me that Jack may not be the only child I lose. But, I must stay here in the moment and not get discouraged about what might happen in the future. I think Satan loves to keep us in the past or in the future and away from the present and/or eternity. I must finish morning Jack and dealing with his loss.

Hope

Hope is a funny thing.  When hope abounds, one feels the breath of life.  When hope is lost, despair will set in.  So, what do we say to the one with no hope?  The one with no hope and is facing despair... who is suffering... who needs hope?  I don't know how people who have no hope recover from such loss.  I'm not sure they ever do.  I met a woman at Jack's grave once... I still remember her standing at her daughter's tiny grave.  Overcome with grief.  She looked to me standing over my son's tiny grave with a swollen belly... a sign of new life in the midst of loss of life.  I can still see the questions in her eyes.  How did you move on?  How can you have another baby?  How can you stand there with hope?  That sweet woman had no hope.  She didn't know my Savior.  She didn't know the Father who held her precious daughter safe in his arms.  She asked so many questions... sweet woman.  But, seeing her lack of hope, I started with my Jesus.  The Jesus she needed to cling to.  Without him, there is nothing... no hope... no life... no refuge.  You see, he came to seek and to save the lost.  That means he came to save me and to save you.  We are hopeless and lost without him.  We need a Savior to give us a new life and to give us hope.  Hope of a life with him.  Hope of a life where he knows every small detail and has worked it out perfectly for our good and for his glory.  Wow!!  That is MY God!  

5/7/07 

Romans 4: 18
“Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, ‘So shall your offspring be.’” 

Abraham had no reason to have hope (he was 100 years old and Sarah’s womb was “dead”), but yet he hoped in God’s promise to Him. When it looks like I have no hope, I need to hope in God’s promises and he will bless! 

Romans 5:5
“And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” 

So, we can have hope because of God’s great love that He has POURED out onto our heart!

It is by that immense love that I must live and hope. My hope is in God! In His eternal glory.

God created me for this

The days after having a baby are quite amazing.  I mean, the nurturing that happens in the months after having a baby are indescribable.  You nurse, you feed, you comfort, you rock, you cuddle, you hold, you stare, you love.  You just do... it is how God created us moms.  I know not EVERY mother does that... some have some serious battles to fight after having children, but I believe that to be an exception... we were originally designed to do all of these things.  It is written on our DNA.  It is a part of God's perfect design for us.  Our hormones take over and there isn't a whole lot we can do about it.  So, that means it is still true of the mama who doesn't get to keep her baby too.  My body still ached to nurse, feed, comfort, rock, cuddle, hold, stare and love.  I needed it like I needed air.  I remember holding my sweet nephew at Jack's funeral who was only a couple of months old.  They almost had to pry him out of my arms.  I couldn't let go.  I didn't want to let go.  It's a hard feeling to describe, but it made waiting to have another baby devastating to me.  Another sign of things not being the way they were "supposed" to be.  Another sign of a fallen world.  Another need for hope.  For grace.  For a Savior.  Without my Savior I had no hope, no grace, no reason to press on.  I clung to my older son during those days.  Sweet boy... he let me hold him for as long as I needed to.  It seemed he knew I needed it as he isn't the cuddling type.  God gives us just what we need.

4/30/07 

Dr. Menard told me I should wait 6 months to physically heal before I conceive again. She suggested further that I wait an extra 3 months for some more emotional healing. I’m not sure I need that much time for emotional healing, but I was secretly devastated that she wanted me to wait 6 months. Doesn't she see that I need another baby.  I don't want a replacement... no one can replace Jack, but I need to see life happen.  I guess I didn’t realize how much I wanted another baby until I was told to wait. My body yearns to have another baby in my womb. God is in control.